My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
