11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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