i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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