I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
