she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
