I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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