If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like