Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dating After Heartbreak
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.