Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
