Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos