Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
