I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
