Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
