fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
