We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
