im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
