sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
