FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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