i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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