So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
