belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
