His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
