Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
