it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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