So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
