I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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