I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
