I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
