while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
