8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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