My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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