I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
