What did we do last night that was yellow?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
