Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
