I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
we made out on top of his cat.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Randomize
