I could make wine with my vomit
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
