Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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