and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
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the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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