I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
