This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
