You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
porn star boner night. come get it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
