you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
