I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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