Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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