i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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