i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You are the jesus of drinking
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
