Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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