Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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