I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
