508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
