No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
