Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
