So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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