i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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