I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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