I faked an abortion last night.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
