I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
