roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
And then he peed in my hair
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