That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i barfeds in our rink
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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