I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
