he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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