Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Enjoy the penises
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
