the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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