oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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